


What's Your Damage?

by KittyGodspeed118



Series: What's Your Damage? [1]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Eating Disorders, Gay, Heathers the musical, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Murder, Musical References, Ninja Ship Party, Suicide Notes, Ultra gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 01:22:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8777497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyGodspeed118/pseuds/KittyGodspeed118
Summary: Dan finds himself part of the most powerful trifecta in school: The Grumps. His life only gets worse after meeting Brian, the physics teacher whose solution for horrible people is murder. Their lethal relationship spirals into madness when Dan tries to hold onto his sanity and battle the bullies he calls his friends all at the same time.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on Heathers the Musical and the 80s film, Heathers! Parts of dialogue are taken from lyrics from the soundtrack so I encourage anyone reading this to listen to the musical ^u^ Also, this is shamelessly self-indulgent because that musical's my favorite and not enough people know about it.  
> Enjoy!

Dan tried his best to blend into the background. After all, that's how you survived the toxic jungle that is high school. He held on tight to his notebook and guitar, praying that he wouldn't get bullied. He just had to survive the rest of the school year. These days, he could only confide in Vernon, who he was seeing less and less of every day as the bullying got more vicious.

Dan ducked into the bathroom, seeking solace from the cesspool that was the rest of the senior class.

"Grow up, Ross, bulimia is so '87," Arin groaned, rolling his eyes as Ross threw up into the toilet in the stall next to Dan's.

"You should probably see a doctor," Barry suggested, performing his daily custom of kneeling next to the toilet to make sure Ross wasn't dying.

They hardly noticed Dan as he took a breath, locking himself in one of the stalls. Part of him was still mesmerized. He was sitting in the same room as the Grumps and that was fucking existential and damn near an out-of-body experience. For context, everyone in the entire school was either dying to be a Grump, fuck one, or kill one. They were the most ruthless clique, eager to cut down anyone who had the nerve to let the guard slip for even a second.

There's Barry Kramer. No one really knows why he hangs out with Arin and Ross considering how sweet and cheerful he is. Head cheerleader. He wears cute as fuck Hanukkah sweaters.

Ross O' Donovan: grade A douche bag. Likes being popular to compensate for being an asshole with a forgettable personality. Actually sweet if you care to dig through layers of sarcasm and sadism.

And then there's Arin Hanson, the almighty. He is a mythic bitch.

Dan held his breath as he heard some teacher hassle them about being out of class without a hall pass. He began scribbling something in his notebook, listening carefully.

"Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting," the teacher grumbled. "You're all late for class. Week's detention-"

"Actually," Dan cut in, trying really hard to open the stall door in a hurry. "All four of us are out on a hall pass...for...Yearbook Committee?" He continued, holding out a slip of paper.

The teacher nodded as he looked over the note and gave a resigned sigh.

"Well, it seems you're all listed here. Hurry up and get where you're going, alright?"

Dan waved sheepishly and gave a short "will do" as Arin snatched the note from his hands.

"This is an excellent forgery. Who are you, anyway?" Arin demanded, looking Dan over.

"Y-yeah...uh, hi," Dan said quietly, holding out his hand. "I'm Dan...Avidan. Um...I crave a boon."

"What boon?"

"Can I sit at your lunch table? It doesn't even have to be for long, y'know, I can grab my food, sit down for ten minutes and bolt. No talking necessary. If people think you tolerate me, they might leave me alone-" Dan rambled on, proceeding even when the others laughed. "Before you turn me down, I also forge absent slips, report cards-"

"How about prescriptions," Ross chimed in.

"Shut up, Ross," Arin snapped.

"Sorry, Arin."

"Anyway, for a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure," Arin continued, circling Dan with a critical eye.

"And a symmetrical face," Barry chirped. "Like, if I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves and that's super important.

"You could probably stand to lose a few pounds, though," Ross snickered, tugging at Dan's hair.

"Tell you what, Danny: you can hang with us. I like you."

And Dan never felt more joy in his life. Suddenly, no one was pushing him around...except the Grumps. Arin demanded lots of things of him and he did them without question most times. Dan quickly learned that there were no equals. The hierarchy was as follows: Arin at the top, Ross looming close to the top and always eager to take the throne, and Barry simply acting as a messenger. Dan found solace in the short talks he managed to have with Vernon every now and then.

"Hey, Danny," Vernon said once after about a month of Dan being around the Grumps.

"Hey! What's up?"

"You really are looking good these days. Blue looks great on you."

"Yeah, it's a new getup but still the same me underneath, right?"

"You sure?"

Dan sighed and hugged Vernon close to his chest.

"I'm sorry for flaking out on you last weekend. I promise we'll hang soon, alright?"

"No, no, it's fine! You're hanging with the Grumps now. I can't even imagine how cool that must be-"

"Dan, Arin told us to tell you to haul ass to the caf," Barry interrupted.

"How very." Dan muttered, which was the customary response.

"Took you long enough...blah blah...forge me a note in Ryan Magee's handwriting. Blah blah...a convincing psuedo-love note/invitation to his homecoming party. Blah blah...it'll be so very." Arin said, lots of his awful comments become background noise to Dan.

This was Dan's life now. It felt good to not be ridiculed all the time but, Jesus, there was an awful numbness that got him in the gut when he thought about it for too long.

And then there were the jocks: Ryan Magee and Matt Watson. Ryan was the quarterback. Matt was the linebacker? Dan didn't fucking care to learn the difference. Apparently, they were like, hot but also assholes at the same time? All Dan knew was that these two loved fucking with him before he started hanging with the Grumps. Afterwards, they were always trying to hang out or fuck him. In fact, even when he first began tagging along with Arin, Ross, and Barry, the teasing was unrelenting. It was worse because they had classes all together.

Dan slid into his desk near the back in the odd little science classroom on the third floor. Unfortunately enough, he was assigned a seat between Ryan and Matt. They made it very clear that they weren't

"Hey, what'd your boyfriend say when you told him you were hanging with the Grumps, homo," Ryan snorted, wrapping his arm around Dan's shoulder and pulling him close.

"Answer him, dickhole," Matt hissed, leaning uncomfortably close to Dan's face. "Hey, Ry, isn't he a little too scrawny an' whiny to be a Grump? Thought they weren't allowing loser fags into their little club."

"But they seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though, don't they," Dan muttered.

"The fuck did you say," Ryan demanded, tightening his grip on Dan's hair.

Dan held his breath. He wasn't afraid of them. They were idiots, but still. Among the chaos, he managed to catch his theoretical physics teacher, Brian's, cold gaze. Those icy blue eyes were a perfect storm of constant judgement and calculation. Without him saying a word to Dan, he could sense the obvious distress.

"Physics with a gun," Brian said suddenly, immediately grabbing everyone's attention with the very real pistol he pulled from his desk. "How does this shit work? Glad you all asked."

He rolled his eyes when he heard Ryan and Matt keep murmuring, surely bothering Dan again. He raised the gun and fired two shots in their directions, eliciting some of the most hilarious screaming anyone had heard from Matt and Ryan maybe ever. Everyone else seemed horrified but Dan found himself suppressing his laughter, covering his mouth with his hand.

*************************************  
"They should've fired his ass on the spot," Arin grumbled, trying to figure out how the fuck to play croquet. "I heard he used a real gun."

"Please, he only used blanks and nobody got hurt," Dan persisted, feeling a bit better about laughing when he saw how amused Ross and Barry seemed to be. "I mean, of course, they'll have to bleach the piss stains out of their undies but...y'know." He chuckled.

"You seem pretty pleased about it. I've never seen someone throw their panties at a teacher so obviously before. Maybe I should just drop you off at this scary bastard's place instead of letting you tag along to the party at Ryan's house-"

"I just thought it was nice to see those two cocks get put in their place, that's all. Besides, I've only had one class with this guy. Don't make it weird."

"Why not just fuck Matt or Ryan? They're nice enough if you get to know them," Barry offered quietly.

"Because I like guys who can read above a third grade level," Dan shot back, priding himself on being able to make Ross and Barry laugh yet again. "Besides, maybe I'll meet some smart guys at this stupid party. Ryan's friends can't all be idiots."

"You'd be surprised," Ross scoffed, setting down his copy of Moby Dick to take his turn in the confusing game of croquet.

Much to his dismay, he'd hit the ball too close to Arin's. Just like everyone else, he tried his best to stay out of Arin's way.

"So, what are you gonna do: take the two shots or send me out," Ross asked with expected reluctance.

"That should be obvious. Yesterday, you asked me if you could be pink and you know I'm always pink. Then, you wore sweatpants on a Thursday. Everyone knows we wear jeans on Thursdays," Arin snapped, swinging at the ball as hard as he could and maintaining eye contact with Ross all the while.

"Shit..." Ross grumbled, trudging to the other side of the yard to figure out how to hit the ball from that far.

"Know your fuckin' place, bitch," Arin remarked before pulling out his car keys. "Anyway, we better motor. We need to pick up Corn Nuts before the party since-"

"It's not a party without Corn Nuts," the others chimed in with robotic unity.

"And yet you're all still standing here like you don't have a fucking car to get into. Vamanos, skanks," he hissed, jingling his keys impatiently.

So, they got into the pink Jeep Wrangler Arin always drove around in, heading towards the local 7/11. As usual, Dan got out of the car to run the errands.

"Don't forget the Corn Nuts," Arin yelled from the open car window.

"Uh...plain or BQ?" Dan called back, halfway inside the entrance already.

"Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? BQ, obviously!"

Dan controlled the urge to roll his eyes until he was safely inside the store. He felt his nerves suddenly relax as he wandered the aisles aimlessly. The calm was only temporary as he reached for a rope of licorice only to have his hand graze someone else's.

"Geez, sorry, you go first-" he said sheepishly, withdrawing his hand without bothering to look up.

"Go ahead, you probably have places to be," the familiar voice insisted before becoming a lot calmer. "Well, greetings and salutations. Dan Avidan, right?"

"Ah...yeah, hi," Dan replied, momentarily mesmerized by the blue eyes that stared back at him. "You gonna tell me your name or...?"

"All in the suspense," Brian chuckled, holding out his hand cordially. "Brian Wecht. Or...Doctor if you're formal."

"Do you want me to be formal?"

"Not in the slightest. Besides, you're a high school senior. Titles don't mean shit, do they?"

"Not particularly," Dan admitted, taking a handful of licorice ropes. "Anyway, that stunt you pulled in class today was pretty severe."

"Yeah, well, if there's anything I've learned in life, it's that the extreme always seems to make an impression. Can I interest you in a slushie?"

"I'm so fucking interested in a slushie. Cherry, please."

As soon as Dan finished his sentence, he heard Arin slam his hand down on the car horn several times. Brian raised a brow but smiled much to Dan's surprise.

"I suppose life's never perfect, huh?"

"Definitely not mine. I mean, everyone's life has static but, like...for example, I don't really like my friends."

"I don't really like your friends either." Brian scoffed, stealing a licorice rope from Dan's hand.

"Y'know...it's like...the Grumps are my friends...scratch that. They're like people I work with and our job is being popular and shit."

"Sounds brutal. I suppose we've all dealt with people we can't stand. My father owned this demolition company. Y'know, the one with the absolutely insane commercials where the screen would blow up and the guy would be like 'I'm Big Bud Wecht, if it's in the way, I'll make your day'," he mimicked with a voice full of spite and bitter sarcasm. "...Embarrassing to say the least."

"Oh fuck, I've seen those! And then he like, pushes the plunger and the screen blows up again and the Comic Sans letters explode when they hit the bottom of the screen and then-I mean...that's your dad?"

"Yeah, in all his toxic glory...so, the moral there, is to keep your chin up."

"Yep, I've got lots to look forward to," Dan laughed bitterly. "I'm on my way to a homecoming party with my 'coworkers' so..."

"Maybe it's time to take a vacation. Ditch the Diet Coke-heads and Swatchdogs for one night?"

"Ah, and we'll have a swanky first date in a kickass 7/11," Dan snorted. "I'm all for it-"

Arin practically tore the door off its hinges as he stormed in and tapped his watch impatiently.

"If you're done frenching in here, we have a party to go to. Wave goodbye to Red Dawn here and let's motor."

"I...have to go," Dan mumbled.

"So I see." Brian retorted, holding out the cherry slushie he'd gotten a moment ago from the magical slushie machine near the store entrance. "See you around, I guess."

"Yeah," Dan said cheerfully, biting his lip to suppress the smile stretching across his face.

The intercom screeched to life and Arin tapped the mic impatiently, having shoved some poor employee aside just to use it.

"Quit eye-fucking in the middle of the damn 7/11 and LET'S GO, LEIGH DANIEL."

Dan quickly darted to the exit, giving Brian a small wave on his way out. Arin slammed the door behind them and soon, they were back on their way to this party. This party was only fun because the booze was top notch. Dan talked to a few people, had a few drinks, smoked some weed...but his mind was suddenly so full of Brian. Those blue eyes so full of contempt and numbness...his rewarding smile...shit.

"So, what'd you need that party invitation for anyway," Dan asked when he actually found Arin again.

"Ryan and Vernon used to hang out when we were in, like, kindergarten," Arin explained.

"Yeah, we all did-"

"We all didn't kiss on the kickball field."

"I remember that," Ross snorted. "Ryan kissed Vernon Shaw! It was disgusting..."

"Oh god, you didn't," Dan gasped in disbelief, scanning the massive crowd for Vernon. "Arin, Vernon's had a crush on Ryan since forever...this would kill him-"

"Are we gonna have a problem?"

"No, I just-"

"Danny, you've come so far, why now are you pulling on me dick? I'd normally slap your face off and everyone here could watch, but I'm feeling nice so I'll let it slide. You're lucky I like you."

Dan breathed a heavy sigh of relief. He had to find Vernon. As if on cue, he caught sight of Vernon ducking in and out of rooms, searching for Ryan. Dan had to chase him down even if the alcohol in him made it fucking agony to walk. Still, he had to save his friend. The Grumps would eat him alive and if not them, Ryan sure would.

"Hey, you actually came," he panted when he finally caught up.

"It's exciting, right? I know things have been really shitty at school, but I got that note from Ryan and thought I should show up, you know? See, Danny, I told you something was still there! I'm gonna go talk to him," Vernon replied.

"I don't know if that's-"

"It looks like my luck's finally turning around," Vernon said eagerly.

Dan looked back at the Grumps, who were always mercilessly taunting Vernon for no reason. He was cute enough and incredibly kind, but...in the war zone of high school, that's not enough. So, at the risk of becoming live bate for the piranhas he hung out with, he swallowed his protest.

"Color me stoked," Dan sighed, his tone deflated as Vernon skipped off to find Ryan.

"We got Vernon a little present since he had the guts to show up," Arin purred.

"Present?"

"We were gonna save this pinata for the pep rally, but the decoration was too good to waste," Ross continued. "Looks kinda like Vernon, huh? We took some artistic liberties, of course."

Something in Dan boiled within the pit of his stomach. He was furious. The Grumps could pick on him however they liked: push him around, call him names, make him do their bidding...but when they went out of their way to humiliate Vernon, all bets were off. He clenched his fists and took a deep breath. He was about to commit social suicide. He snatched the pinata from Arin's hands and tossed it off the balcony into the backyard pool.

"What the fuck is your damage, Arin? If you want that thing, you can go swim for it." Dan finally said. "And I'm done being a Grump. I think I'm better off trying civilian life again-"

"No," Arin nearly shouted, pulling Dan back by his collar even knowing how dizzy he was from all the drinking. "You don't get to be a nobody. Come Monday, you're an ex-somebody. Transfer to Rooster Teeth, transfer to Smosh! No one in Youtube gaming will ever let you play their reindeer games! Not even the losers will touch you now."

All the while, Arin had been shaking Dan bad enough to make him throw up all that liquor he'd been drinking. This was not the time nor place for it, but damn, it happened anyway...all over Arin's favorite pastel pink Converse.

"I RAISED YOU UP FROM NOTHING," Arin screamed, shoving Dan aside. "I MADE YOU POPULAR AND WHAT'S MY THANKS?? I GOT PAID IN PUKE!"

Now Dan wasn't feeling so sick. That had passed. Now, he was just furious.

"Lick it up, baby! Lick. It. Up," he hissed, finally able to stand without the aid of the table next to him.

"That's fine, Danny. Act smug. I know who I'm eating lunch with on Monday. Do you?"

And just like that, no one wanted to make eye contact with him. Just like that, he'd committed social suicide and no one would even be there to grieve at his social life's grave. So, he stumbled from the house, having told Vernon to go home a while ago. He stumbled through the neighborhood. Maybe pissing off his ride home wasn't the best idea. It was cold and raining way too hard for his liking and having a ride would have been heavenly. Still, he kept walking. He had no idea what he was looking for, but he figured he'd know it when he found it. He finally wound up at a large white house at the end of a kind of a shady street. He squinted, trying see where he recognized the stranger in the second floor left window from.

Brian was getting ready for bed...or, getting ready to sit in bed and read for like, the next five hours as he so often did. Suddenly, Dan seemed to sober up and know exactly what he needed now. If he was going to be an outcast, he'd go to the last person he could trust...who he just found out existed about 36 hours ago. It was a longshot. Brian would probably kick him out. Still, he was an 18 year old high school senior who'd just lost every toxic, awful friend he'd ever made in the last four years. So, yeah. He earned the right to get freaky. He searched for a way to get to the window without ringing the doorbell. What if someone else was in the house? He wasn't about to risk it, so he climbed the tree next to the window that saw into Brian's room and threw a few twigs at it until he opened the window.

"Dan...? What are you doing outside my house?" Brian asked, far more concerned than anything else. "Jesus, you're shivering..."

"Can I come in?"

"Is something the matter or...?"

Dan shimmied out onto the sturdy branch that was closest to the window and Brian didn't say anything until he'd safely helped Dan in through the window, which was surprisingly easy to do. Brian's eyebrows furrowed as Dan leaned against him to balance himself before speaking.

"I told Arin to go fuck himself and my social life has just been sentenced to solitary confinement," he explained, taking a deep breath. "I am officially on the run from the Lip Gloss Gestapo. "

"Well, at least the toxicity has cleared from your life, I suppose," Brian murmured, still incredibly confused as he searched for a pair of pajama pants to put on for decency's sake. "I don't say this very often, but Arin Hanson is definitely a bitch who deserves to die."

Dan laughed, feeling a lot more sober having thrown up the alcohol in his system and stumbling around in the rain for like, an hour. He certainly agreed with Brian. He was angry enough to agree. After all, Arin went out of his way to make people miserable. Anyhow, Dan's mind came back to his clothes that clung to him and he felt gross wearing soaked jeans. Without even thinking, he started trying his best to get them off.

"What are you doing," Brian asked, partially confused and mostly trying to tell himself not to think of this as anything more than it was.

"My clothes are soaked, I don't have a ride home, Monday will be here soon enough and I'll be eating lunch in a bathroom stall...can I do something a little bit crazy," Dan deadpanned, finally getting his jeans off.

"I suppose this is a safe enough place to do something crazy," Brian replied, settling back on his bed after giving up on looking for pants.

Dan bit down on his bottom lip. There was no way to say what he wanted. This guy was probably twice if not three times his age and someone who could lose his job for being involved with him. Still, now was as good a chance as any. After all, Brian was the last safe space left. After how many times Dan had to ditch Vernon to keep the Grumps happy, he wouldn't be surprised if he hated him now too. So, after weighing his options, he simply began unbuttoning his blue flannel.

"I can lend you a t-shirt or-" Brian began, cutting himself off when Dan turned to him. "Or you can just sleep in your underwear if that suits you...why are you looking at me like that?"

"You're my last meal on death row."

"I...don't know what that means?"

Dan stood and paced for a bit, loving the way his bare feet felt on the white rug next to the bed. He had no idea where to start. There he was, half naked in his physic's teacher's bedroom.

"Look, this sounds stupid, but I'm a dead man walking. They're gonna hunt me down in study hall and mount my head on their wall."

"You're scared. That's understandable-"

"And this is a long shot, but I need you to make this whole town disappear. Fuck any thought about Glendale, California out of my head. Like, make me forget why I was even upset to begin with. I know you think you're this hardened guy who's numb inside, but I just...I can't agree with that. And yeah, the world's unfair. We'll keep it locked out there because it's so fucking safe and beautiful in here."

Much to both of their surprise, Brian didn't object. He murmured a quiet 'that works for me' and wasted no time pulling Dan into his lap. The kisses were an odd mesh of tender and forceful, every one helping Dan lose himself in Brian. It helped that he wasn't being judged. Even if he was, Brian was being quiet about it. And, boy, didn't it escalate fast? They hardly got enough time to talk a few hours before and now, here Dan was, begging Brian to fuck his problems away.

"Tell me when to stop or if I'm being too-" he whispered, finally kicking off his boxers after doing his best to prolong things enough to give Dan time to change his mind.

"Relax," Dan snorted, incredibly amused with the amount of care and caution Brian treated him with. "You're not gonna break me. Now, get that ass in gear. I can still walk and that's a problem."

Dan pressed Brian onto his back, being surprisingly dominant for the string bean he was. He kissed his neck a few times before tearing Brian's shirt down the middle. He certainly wasn't acting himself, which even Brian, who'd only known him for a collective 24 hours could see. Again, he didn't protest despite his concern. 

"How'd you find me address," he blurted, the question weighing on him.

"I'll tell you after we break this bed," Dan groaned impatiently.

"I think you already tore my mattress."

Dan looked down at Brian and knew how absolutely idiotic his smile must have looked. Still, Brian made him feel safe the way an anime girl might feel around the unrealistically muscular men in her life. He was intimidating and kind of terrifying. Still, there he was, treating Dan like a treasure to be kept safe and protected at all costs. And it became more and more apparent that he wanted to be inside Dan just as much as Dan wanted him to be. So, he finally let himself have this. After all, Dan was 18. And the way his heart pounded in his chest when Dan looked at him with those desperate, tired bedroom eyes...it made him weak in the knees. Perhaps it was in that hazy moment that he realized he was madly in love with Dan.

And the sex certainly was something special. Brian barely had to move. After all, Dan knew what he wanted and went after it without a shred of remorse. And just as soon as he riled himself up, he knocked out. He was exhausted. Brian pulled him under the covers and fell asleep just as fast.

"Hello, slut," Arin laughed, seemingly outside the window.

"H-how'd you find me? What are you doing here," Dan demanded, trying his best not to seem terrified.

"I'm like oxygen, Leigh Daniel. I'M. EVERYWHERE. And really? Sleeping with that psycho physics teacher? I will crucify you for this! The entire school is gonna know good little Danny Avidan is nothing but a dirty whore."

"Why are you so fucking determined to hurt me?"

"Because I can," Arin cackled. "It'll be so very!"

Dan jolted up, screaming as he shook himself awake. Brian finally woke up, having been out cold for the past few hours.

"Woah, woah, relax," Brian soothed, wrapping an arm around Dan's shoulder. "What's the matter? You're shaking..."

"It was...just a dream? Shit...I have to go," Dan replied, standing up on two shaky legs.

"What's the rush?"

"I have to get to Arin's house."

Brian was now fully awake. The look in his eye was somewhere between concerned and done with bullshit. He yawned and patted around for his boxers.

"I thought you were done with him."

"Yeah, it was great fantasy, right? A world free from absolute fuckery, a world without Arin Hanson. But now it's morning and I have to go kiss his aerobicised ass."

"Well, if you insist on going...I'll come with. Y'know, for backup."

Dan blushed and paused in the middle of buttoning up his shirt. He kissed Brian's cheek and smiled. Apparently they were a thing now. So, off they went, driving to Arin's house.

"What if he's not here," Brian whispered, picking the lock of the front door with surprising ease.

"Believe me, he is. He always skips the Saturday trips to Granny's even when he's not hungover."

They walked in, not too concerned about making noise since Arin was sleeping with a killer hangover. Dan opened the fridge and scanned the labels.

"Okay, so what if I make him a Prairie Oyster? That'll help right?"

"I still wish you wouldn't grovel at the feet of someone as toxic as Arin Hanson. But, fine, we'll make him a hangover cure that'll conduce him to spew red, white, and blue, shall we?"

"Dude, fuck yes," Dan gasped, holding up a carton of milk. "Okay, okay, look. Milk and orange juice! What's the upchuck factor on that? Or even better, what if I have like, Pepsi and fuckin'...tomato soup?"

Brian rummaged around the cabinets for a bit and smirked, holding up a bottle of drain cleaning fluid.

"I'm more of a no-rust buildup man myself," he mused.

"Don't be a dick, that stuff could kill him."

"He can't be hungover if he's dead so..."

"You're not funny. Besides, he'd never drink something that looks like that, anyway."

"Alright, we'll put it in a mug, then. He'll never know."

"Forget it. We'll just put a phlegm globber in it."

Brian rolled his eyes but joined Dan in disgustingly trying to gather enough spit. When that failed, Brian poured the liquid drainer into a mug that looked similar to the one Dan had poured milk and orange juice into.

"Milk and orange juice will have to do," Dan sighed, kissing Brian gently.

It was difficult to pull himself away. He felt around for the mug and began to walk to Arin's room, which was atrocious shades of pink from pastel to neon.

"Dan-" Brian said suddenly, realizing which mug Dan had taken.

"Yeah?"

"I...good luck. I'll carry the mug."

"Oh, okay, thanks."

They shook Arin as gently as possible and were almost disappointed when he woke up.

"Ah, Danny," Arin yawned, sitting up and pulling his hair out of its neat ponytail tied up with a pink scrunchie. "...and Jesse James. Color me stoked."

"I came to apologize-"

"Hope ya brought knee-pads, skank."

"I know we both said things we didn't mean last night and I just wanted to help you out. I'm sorry."

Brian held out the mug and tried his best to smile and be pleasant. Arin rolled his eyes and took the cup.

"What; you put a phlegm globber in it or something?"

"Bitch, I might've." Brian snapped, rolling his eyes.

"Well, you're lucky my head is killing me," Arin retorted bitterly, standing up and brushing past Brian and Dan.

He took a large gulp, beginning to choke almost instantly. His tongue turned a ghostly shade of blue as he coughed and heaved, trying to catch his last elusive breaths before he collapsed, crashing through the glass coffee table in the center of the room. Dan trembled with disbelief, mouth agape as he tried to comprehend what had just happened.

"Oh my fucking god...I just killed my best friend," he exclaimed breathlessly.

"And your worst enemy." Brian replied robotically.

"Same difference! We...fuck, we need to call the police-"

"It's a little late for that. Listen, he was in the middle of reading The Bell Jar. We could make this a kind of suicide thing..."

"Oh no-"

"Oh yes. You can fake his handwriting. Make him sound deep, like this: 'I had pain in my path like...Silvia Plath. My problems were myriad-"

"I was having my period-" Dan mimicked mockingly, snorting at his own joke.

Brian flared his nostrils and held out a pen and paper. Dan took a deep breath and began writing a note, a testament to Arin's 'suffering'.

"Well, he wouldn't use the word 'myriad'. He missed it on his vocab quiz last week."

"He'd want to make the most dramatic exit ever, making sure to cash in on as many 50 cent words as possible."

"No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings," Dan began writing, muttering the words as he wrote.

"Girl?"

"He would've wanted it that way. Anyway, no one thinks a pretty girl has feelings. Everyone things because I am hot and rich and incredibly likable that my life was easy and fun. My looks were like prison bars, leaving me a myriad of scars. No one thinks a pretty girl can touch you and that's the price of popularity. I am leaving so you can all be free."

*************************************  
Brian sat in at the faculty meeting and tapped his foot impatiently. They'd already spent at least an hour trying to decide whether to cancel school or not.

"Arin Hanson isn't your everyday suicide," one teacher commented.

"And did you read the suicide note? Like, did anyone really read it? We all misjudged him," Suzy, art teacher, proclaimed. "We should just get everyone together and talk about how this has affected them and-"

"That's nice, Suzy, let me know when the shuttle lands," another teacher mumbled.

Brian rolled his eyes again. After that pointless meeting that ended with the decision to cancel the school for the rest of the day, he walked out into the hall and heard the murmurs of the students as they packed up to go home.

"I had no idea how sad and lonely he was," one student sighed forlornly.

"He really was a good guy," someone who'd obviously hated Arin previously replied.

And just like that, through absolute bullshit, Arin Hanson had become a saint all because of a suicide note he hadn't even written.


End file.
